I have decided that after a rollercoaster of a very challenging year, 2009 is the year of being Fearless.
I posted this on Facebook and Twitter and have recruited many a friend to join me on this journey.
I can't tell you exactly what that means or what it will result in, but I can tell you what the three most important things I want to achieve in 2009 are. Hopefully we can all make a collective call out to the universe for 2009 to be one of those banner years that makes a serious positive impact on your life
2009 #1
BE FEARLESS IN LOVE
I want to not be afraid of taking risks in my personal life. I have no qualms about picking up my life, quitting my job, moving to Australia, relocating to LA at a moments notice. But when it comes to being honest, clear and open about my inner feelings, about what is in my heart I freeze up. This is a new development over the past few years, I'm not sure when or why it happened. I'm still the emotional sponge I have always been but when it comes to outwardly expressing it, I've lost the courage.
2009 #2
RECONNECT WITH MY FAMILY
Everyone has a crazy family or family member. Mine is no better or worse than the many stories I have heard, but it is rather challenging.
For the first time in ages I felt completely disconnected this Christmas from my mum and older brother while I spent xmas with my other brother and his family. There was a palpable split between us.
I have solidly reconnected with my brother here in Vancouver, his wife and my niece and nephew. My 18 month absence is now a mere blip on the timeline of our lives, and I know now that the connections are solid as cement and will never be broken.
Now to swallow some adolescent stubborness and reach out to mum and older brother.
I lost my Dad to an accident in 1992. He was the single most important person in my life. I don't have that same connection with my Mum or brother, but I need to make the effort so they do not drift out of my life forever. Family is family, whether you love or hate them making it work is worth it.
2009 #3
ASK FOR WHAT I AM WORTH AND KNOW MY VALUE
No longer be afraid of asking for what I deserve at work and out of life. Know my own value.
I undersold myself when I relocated to Auz for work. It cost me a lot financially and has put me in a tight spot over the past year.
If I had felt more confident in my ability and value to the company I would have felt more comfortable in asking for what I truly deserved and was worth.
I give everything to my work and my career, it's time to ask for something in return.
What three things will you face fearlessly in 2009?
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Phoenix from the Flames
The game I have been working on for the past year, the game I moved my entire life for, the game I left all that is familiar behind for, has been canceled.
It feels like rejection, if feels like being dumped. Unceremoniously kicked to the curb after putting so much of yourself into something. Last week the shock was all that I felt, the getting on with the task at hand. I just dove into whatever had to be done and did it all with a smile and a bit of humour. Every night coming home emotionally exhausted from putting on such a brave face at work. Trying so hard to see the positive in all of this, to look at the adventure ahead as a good thing and not an ending to something that I had grown to be so proud of.
I love the company I work for, I love our team and have the utmost respect for my boss. This all just feels incredibly unfair. I know it is just part of the territory of this business, but I am a virgin in this experience.
Friday is when it all started to sink in, the reality. The reality of potentially losing one of my closest friends, my rock. The reality of having to leave my life here for an indefinite period of time to a city I have never been fond of; LA. The reality of my daily life here as I currently know it being turned upside down just when it was starting to feel settled.
Saturday, alcohol became the remedy to numb my raw nerve endings. However, alcohol numbed only temporarily as more was consumed the more amplified every emotion I have felt this week became. Unknowingly, I had also invested too much lately in a flirtation, a flirtation that I now realize I was subconsciously relying on to help me through all of this. A distraction that had made me feel good, really good, in this mess of feeling terribly bad. I was walking a tightrope of emotion all week, each day at risk of toppling the fine balance. And topple it did.
Fueled by alcohol, raw emotion, hurt, rejection, loss, fear I exploded in an embarrassing display of anger and tears. I felt sick.
I can honestly say I have never cried at a party over anything, and certainly never over a boy. I don't do that. And I often make fun of girls who do. It's so melodramatic, obvious, attention seeking and I hate it. Luckily I was able to hide it from the party at large and only revealed everything in front of the one person who could help me through it. I know the tears were about far more than the situation I witnessed. Everything I have been dealing with burst out of me in a tidal wave of despair. But my god it felt good to finally let it all out without caring whether I was putting on a brave face. I finally felt like me again, just me.
It feels like rejection, if feels like being dumped. Unceremoniously kicked to the curb after putting so much of yourself into something. Last week the shock was all that I felt, the getting on with the task at hand. I just dove into whatever had to be done and did it all with a smile and a bit of humour. Every night coming home emotionally exhausted from putting on such a brave face at work. Trying so hard to see the positive in all of this, to look at the adventure ahead as a good thing and not an ending to something that I had grown to be so proud of.
I love the company I work for, I love our team and have the utmost respect for my boss. This all just feels incredibly unfair. I know it is just part of the territory of this business, but I am a virgin in this experience.
Friday is when it all started to sink in, the reality. The reality of potentially losing one of my closest friends, my rock. The reality of having to leave my life here for an indefinite period of time to a city I have never been fond of; LA. The reality of my daily life here as I currently know it being turned upside down just when it was starting to feel settled.
Saturday, alcohol became the remedy to numb my raw nerve endings. However, alcohol numbed only temporarily as more was consumed the more amplified every emotion I have felt this week became. Unknowingly, I had also invested too much lately in a flirtation, a flirtation that I now realize I was subconsciously relying on to help me through all of this. A distraction that had made me feel good, really good, in this mess of feeling terribly bad. I was walking a tightrope of emotion all week, each day at risk of toppling the fine balance. And topple it did.
Fueled by alcohol, raw emotion, hurt, rejection, loss, fear I exploded in an embarrassing display of anger and tears. I felt sick.
I can honestly say I have never cried at a party over anything, and certainly never over a boy. I don't do that. And I often make fun of girls who do. It's so melodramatic, obvious, attention seeking and I hate it. Luckily I was able to hide it from the party at large and only revealed everything in front of the one person who could help me through it. I know the tears were about far more than the situation I witnessed. Everything I have been dealing with burst out of me in a tidal wave of despair. But my god it felt good to finally let it all out without caring whether I was putting on a brave face. I finally felt like me again, just me.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Bad Dreams
I just awoke from a terrible dream. My pillow is wet with tears, I feel anxious and for a moment I had to pause, and reassure myself it was not real.
I dreamt that i had given one of my cats, Koda, to my brother. I was living in Vancouver again. I was visiting at his house in North Van, my sister in law, niece and nephew all there as well but I only remember my sister in law and brother being in the dream. I remember looking over at Koda and his once beautiful plume of a tail was short and stubby. When I angrily question them I discover they cut his tail off as punishment for scratching my nephew who is 3. They are self righteous and indignant when I get more angry. It is terrible and I leave their house absolutely livid. Then, too suddenly and without knowing how I got there I am at home in Vancouver. The apartment is not familiar to me but I know it is home. Shortly after returning I receive a phone call, my brother has been killed in an accident. He is dead. All I can think of is my niece and nephew and how they no longer have a father and how my last words with my brother were ones of anger. I am so distraught. So sad. It seems like the end of the world.
I've felt like this once before in my life, I hope it never happens in reality ever again.
The sudden shock of finding out someone you love has died, the sick, nauseous feeling. The collapse as though you have been punched in the gut. The sobbing. The disbelief.
It amazes me how a dream can return all of these feelings to you and that linger for so long even after waking.
It is now 5:40am and I am wide awake. The cats are in bed with me and purring too loudly. They know something is wrong. It makes them restless.
I dreamt that i had given one of my cats, Koda, to my brother. I was living in Vancouver again. I was visiting at his house in North Van, my sister in law, niece and nephew all there as well but I only remember my sister in law and brother being in the dream. I remember looking over at Koda and his once beautiful plume of a tail was short and stubby. When I angrily question them I discover they cut his tail off as punishment for scratching my nephew who is 3. They are self righteous and indignant when I get more angry. It is terrible and I leave their house absolutely livid. Then, too suddenly and without knowing how I got there I am at home in Vancouver. The apartment is not familiar to me but I know it is home. Shortly after returning I receive a phone call, my brother has been killed in an accident. He is dead. All I can think of is my niece and nephew and how they no longer have a father and how my last words with my brother were ones of anger. I am so distraught. So sad. It seems like the end of the world.
I've felt like this once before in my life, I hope it never happens in reality ever again.
The sudden shock of finding out someone you love has died, the sick, nauseous feeling. The collapse as though you have been punched in the gut. The sobbing. The disbelief.
It amazes me how a dream can return all of these feelings to you and that linger for so long even after waking.
It is now 5:40am and I am wide awake. The cats are in bed with me and purring too loudly. They know something is wrong. It makes them restless.
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